Picture this: Something you love and need is feet in front
of you. Something you really, actually need to accomplish
those goals in your life that you’ve set. But between you and that thing you
are currently imagining, there’s a brick wall. No getting around it. Jump it
our bust it.
Cliché, I know.
I’m in that situation. Except the wall, I’m pretty sure, is
like…four layers of cement with steel reinforcements, plus a layer of nasty,
old insulation in the middle. You know, for fun. And that thing, just beyond
the wall, it’s…a lot of things. Success, freedom…
Success? Some say I’m successful. And I am, and I thank God
for all I have accomplished in my life thus far. But I’m looking for success
that is so much deeper than having a summer job and good grades. I want to make
a difference for so many people, but that must begin with myself. I’m ready to
start making dreams happen. Dreaming isn’t enough. Working isn’t enough. It’s
the fighting that gets us where we want to be, because I truly believe there
are things out there that try to stop us from accomplishing the things we’ve
always wanted to accomplish. I crave the
feeling of crossing the finish line of the marathon I’ve been meaning to run
since I was a little girl. I crave to see the world. And until those goals (and
more...) are accomplished, I continually feel…unsuccessful, I suppose.
Freedom? I’m locked in no tower. No net ensnares me. But I feel
like my soul is locked up. Like Rapunzel staring out her window asking, “when
will my life begin?”. I’ve felt like this most of the summer, and…I can’t take
it. I don’t even know why or how I got this way, so I’m confused as to how to
fix it. I have been quarantined to home for nearly two weeks now due to my Whooping
Cough, maybe it’s that. Mother thinks it’s fatigue from several late nights at
conferences, weeks of working, and I haven’t been sleeping well (also due to
the sickness). I’m so sick of feeling
overwhelmed by the littlest things. I’m so sick of sitting at my piano and
being unable to learn my pieces because I can’t get my fingers to do the things
I need them to. Stuff like that, that makes me feel like my mind is
constricted. I suppose it is fatigue. Maybe I need to up my meditation game.
Maybe I should be trying harder to live my life in sprints. But I crave the
freedom I’ve known for so long. Have you ever felt that? So one with the world.
So at peace. Like you could just…fly.
WHY can’t I tap into that?!
…why is this stuff so hard to write about?
Recently, I really felt frustrated about the above vented
things. I mean, I was getting ready to wrap my head in duct tape to keep it
from exploding all over the place. So I let my hair down, I snuck outside, I
kicked off my shoes. I felt the grass under my feet. I felt the sunshine on my
skin. I felt the breeze on my face. And before I knew it, I took off down my
street. I was running, and I had no intention of stopping. It felt so good. I
didn’t care that I was sick and had been given specific instructions to “take
it easy” because that was the first taste of true freedom I’d had in a while. “Colors
of the Wind” from the Pocahontas movie played in my head (I tend to listen to
Disney music obsessively sometimes *cough*). That song, by the way, makes me
feel free. You know that quote? “The goal of life is living in agreement with
nature.”? The song reminds me of it. It makes me think of being united with the
people of the world, the things that inhabit each nation, and the mysteries of
the universe we are yet to discover. Because…whether we are white or copper
skinned, we must sing with all the voices of the mountain, and paint with all
the colors of the wind. THAT is what I believe freedom is all about.
Profound stuff kids these days watch, eh?
…Houston isn’t my home. I don’t feel like I belong here. I don't know why I look at the night sky here anymore. It's as if when I look out my window each night and lift my eyes to the heavens I expect--just once--for there to be stars shining back at me. But stars here are shy and don't like to show their beauty...Just like some humans are, I suppose. I
want to pack up and leave. Go somewhere I know I’m better needed. Because I
know—with ever fiber in my being—that there are people out there in the world
that I’m supposed to teach. I know there
are people out there that are supposed to teach me something. I just need
to find them. Besides, I don’t have the resources I need to accomplish the
things I need to here.
I’m trying to remember that the grass is always greener where I water it. But my gosh,
my yearning to experience this planet is driving me nuts.
I’m desperate to do something good in the world. I’ve been
writing letters to children in Tanzania. It makes me feel a little better.
I’m getting out of here in a couple weeks. Utah. Mountains.
People I love and a deep week of meditation and challenge. Elevation, here I
come. It’s just what I need. Just a little longer.
Well. I think it’s safe to say I have sufficiently poured my
heart out to you. I don’t even know who you are. I guess that makes it easier.
I’m gonna go…meditate or something. Try to figure out how to
break down those four layers of cement with steel reinforcements and accomplish
something great.
And you should go listen to “Colors of the Wind” if you were
a deprived child and don’t know it already.
…and if you actually read this whole freaking thing…then you
must be a true friend and I love you.
Have a lovely day.
-Julia
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