an update of sorts

I think we should establish right now that mumford & sons is my favorite band of all time and I love them and their music makes me so. super. happy. there, done. if you know me you probably already knew that, though. also, this post has nothing to do with mumford & sons. I just thought we oughta get that out of the way.

this post doesn't really have a theme or purpose, I just feel like writing. things have been so lovely lately, and I don't think it's ever a bad idea to document the pretty days to remember on the uglier ones.

I have come to know what real happiness feels like and I have grown quite fond of it. I like quietly having an acceptance and peace about myself and I like knowing that I have a spirit that dances inside my imperfect body. it's like having northern lights inside of you all the time, and I guess that colorful feeling came when I took a deep breath and accepted that I have cold and dark places in my character. it makes sense when you think about it - northern lights come out where it's cold and dark. there are imperfect cracks in everything and that's how the light gets in. or out.

in recent weeks I've found a lot of peace in accepting that I am not outgoing when it comes to social circumstances. I was never supposed to be the girl who laughs a lot and talks a lot, who everyone wants to be around. I spent too many years trying to be her. I guess it took a week of being still to rediscover that I really like being quiet most of the time. I'd rather listen in most conversations than be the speaker, and when I force it it just feels wrong. it was a mask I put on years ago, and honestly, I had played the spunky act for so long, I forgot it was an act. hi julia, nice to see you again.

also, the summer sun has kissed my face and I feel beautiful again. on top of that, I'm starting to like my nose for the first time in my life. bonus.

I suppose it's needless to say that I've had some paradigm shifts. those shifts have made my world so much warmer and I am so grateful for it.

in other news, I think about the future a lot. it's come to the point where I consider my present time at home precious - I know it won't last more than one or two more years. with that thought come the thoughts of education, career, marriage, and adventure. I am hopeful that the career and adventure parts become synonymous. I do know that the marriage bit will be an adventure, though; living life with an eternal best friend by my side will probably be the best adventure I ever have.

(I feel like it's so forbidden to write about getting married when you're a sixteen year old girl because all the sixteen year old girls can't wait to get married and it's such a cliche. but. I think I think of things differently, and heck, I'm going to write about whatever I want while I sit here eating my bell peppers.) 

I'd be lying if I said I don't think about him all the time. you know, the dude who'll be stuck with me for his whole life and thereafter. I have no idea what his name is or what he looks like or where he is or where I'll meet him. I do know that he's somewhere and that we'll be great friends someday. when I think about us I picture coastline roadtrips and long naps together and walmart dates and picnics in our little living room and eating cereal for dinner on saturdays because we're poor, happy kids. I imagine sunday bike rides and scripture study before breakfast and having someone's hand to hold during evening family prayer for two. eventually I see us raising little minions to speak seven different languages, living part-time on a boat and experiencing the world together as a sweet little imperfect family.

I don't know when I'll find that companion or even if I want to find him anytime relatively soon -- I can wait awhile. I just know he will be kind, and he will be good, and he will be adventurous. we'll do yoga together and he won't mind that I look like eleven year old hermionie granger when I wake up. that will be nice.

I'm excited to see where my journey leads.

I just got a National Geographic magazine from the mail. this one has a poster in it. free stuff. I love when that happens. also, there's a thunderstorm outside. I love when that happens, too.

I should stop typing seeing that I've typed too much already, but do you ever remember how much you want it? your dreams? your passions? the you you want to become? it hits me sometimes, and holy dang, I want it bad. I want to surf and swim and see and fly and climb and run and dance and be. and I'm excited to do it. because I'm going to do it. all of it. and I'll send you pictures if you want. or you can come with me. that works too.

in a nutshell, I'm kind of in love with my life and where it's taking me. and I love you for sticking around and actually reading this post.

stay groovy.