July Eleventh | James

                   

When he's my age, I'll be 34. Somehow, though, in our little moments, I know we've got something special. A unique brother/sister friendship that knows no age.

I can't even begin to express how much joy this child has brought my family, and more personally, me. He's brought together an army and I love him with all of my heart. 

I keep getting glimpses of what's about to happen to me. My childhood days are coming to a close and I'm about to launch myself into some serious dream chasing. I am so excited, but with every day I find myself holding my brothers and telling them how much I'll miss them. It's all part of the process, but it isn't very easy. But I'm learning to love every moment.

July Tenth | Blessed are the clumsy?

I like blogging. I'm going to start again. So, hello.

In my blog files are several partially-written things. The most recent of these is a heartfelt post about finally progressing in the arts of confidence, character, and grace. While my self-progression is an everyday ordeal, I have off-days. Oh my word, I have off-days.

Like today.

Any day that begins with a trip to the doctor to get vaccines is bound to be a weird day anyway, right? I'm a pretty tough girl; spiders don't bother me, neither do snakes, and for crying outloud, I'm going to be a midwife. But shots? Nope. Nope nope nope. Show me those needles and I become the world's biggest baby.

Among other things, I forgot about approximately a dozen things that needed to be done today, which was the cause of me speeding to get a passport photo and nearly knocking a lady over as I hastily exited out of an "entrance" door. And we're not even going to talk about my parking job.

Ahem.

It's days like this that I become such a hopeless dreamer. I so often escape the world by slipping into my own mind, a place where I can sketch blueprints for the tiny home I want to build when I get married, or go back to my favorite nights with my favorite people. And there's almost always a good acoustic song playing in my head. 

Still, I feel that everywhere I go, I leave debris in my wake. But I'm learning, and I've got this. I think. And while my parking job may be a good indication of how my day went, my day is not my life. I'll get this "adulthood" thing down, and if I don't, I'll learn to fall gracefully.

But until then, I'm sorry if I knock you down in the doorway of Walgreens. 

 

Sisters in Zion

Current tabs open on my browser: two Sister Missionary friend's blogs, an article about effectively studying Preach My Gospel, the BYU Bookstore (getting a Portuguese Book of Mormon for Brazil this summer. Hello, fluency!), Deseret Book, a Pinterest board titled "Sister Howard" and mormonmissionprep.com. Also, Sister Rebecca Mohler's CD (GO GET IT IT'S GOOD) playing in the background. Don't even know how all that happened.

I have never, ever had such an intense desire to prepare for my mission. Not like I do now. Mission prep class is my favorite thing. My local missionaries are my favorite people to hang out with. Preach My Gospel is bomb. Not to mention The Book of Mormon; that's even more bomb. You'd think my 19th birthday is next week (SIKE two more years y'all).

While I don't wear a missionary tag (YET), I'm already starting to wear one on my heart. I'm still so young in the gospel, with so much to learn, but I do know a few things: I know Christ lives, I know His church is restored, I know His gospel brings beautiful peace and happiness to all those who accept it, and I know I want to share it. Oh, I want to share it.

This morning in Seminary, my teacher had each of us get together in companionships. In about 0.2 seconds Rachel and I paired up and became the dynamic duo that is Sister Brown and Sister Howard. Both of us have recently fired-up desires to be [member and full-time] missionaries, and we love working together. And we've been dearest friends since the dreadful tween years. Yikes.

Needless to say, our discussions are top.

We were informed that we would be preparing and teaching a lesson on Resurrection to the Elders, who were sitting in the back of the room and pretending to be investigators. Slightly scary, however, there's no better way for the student to learn than to teach the masters. Elders Rust and Lattin asked difficult questions as we taught, really giving us a glimpse of what it'll be like out in the field. I came home and went straight to my Preach My Gospel book because a) I was totally pumped about missionary work and b) I was reminded how much preparation it takes to be a successful missionary, and how TODAY is the time for that preparation; my call will be here before I know it.

I love Rachel. I love her light. I love that we began our lesson preparation with a prayer and that she was just as into it, if not more into it, than I was. I love that our prep time was cut short but our lesson ran smoothly because of our sincere prayers, and I love that the gospel works like that. Sister Brown will be unstoppable on her mission and I'm glad to have her close during these tender preparation years.

*exaltedstatus hashtag is rightfully trademarked by Rachel and I.

I adore The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. It's true. It's all true. I am too happy to deny it. I am so grateful for the people who are placed in my life to help me get to where I want to go: on a mission, to the Temple, and ultimately back to my Father in Heaven.

Sweet is the work. :)

I Know Nothing

Hi.

I know nothing.

I have seen so little. I know nothing of what this planet has to offer. 

But I know it's out there. Oh my word, I know it's out there.

I know there is a place for me on the gorgeous planet.

I know there are people out there who are kind enough to hug me, and kiss my cheeks, and love me, whether they speak my verbal language or not.

And I know that every human being on this planet has one language in common, and that language is Love.

I know our hands are made to perform a special work.

And at the very same time, I know nothing.

I have experienced none of it. To know is to do. To know is to feel. To know is to get out there, and be a part of this world.

But if there's anything I know for sure, it's that my heart yearns to be a part of humanity, that Christ lives, that the radiance of the world is real because of His grace, and that, hey, I love you.

"We are Love, We are One"

"In Russia, many people have whats a called a “Dash Cam” which are installed in their cars, so they can record what happens in front of them on the road. This compilation of footage recorded by those cameras will leave you in tears, and make you believe in humanity at the same time."

Click to Watch

We are people with a capacity to love wholeheartedly and unconditionally.

I want to dissect that sentence. 

Capacity. By capacity, I mean potential; the ability to love, and do so wholeheartedly and unconditionally. Because it is something we are able to do, it is something we must choose to do. Love is a choice. Everyday we have to wake up and decide to be understanding instead of short, compassionate instead of indifferent, and kind instead of selfish. Our hearts are enormous and good, and we can fill them with empathy for an unlimited number of people, in an unlimited number of ways. 

Love. It's a verb. The most beautiful thing about the Russian dash cam video is that all of those people showed love by acting. By physically getting up and doing something. We are constantly surrounded by ways to express love and appreciation with words. Options for instant communication are so abundant, they're almost bombarding. But it takes a special kind of love to act; it is pure love. It's a vulnerable love. It's a perfect love. No screens or words to hide behind: just you, your hands, and your unwavering kindness. 

Recently on one of my afternoon runs, I was approaching a driveway where a woman was walking out to fetch her empty trash cans. She wasn't old, but she wasn't particularly young, either. When I saw her, I had the thought to offer to take her trash cans in for her. 

I didn't do it.

"I'm sweaty and disgusting and out of breath. She might think I'm too forward. Besides, she's not like, struggling with the cans or anything." I thought, and I ran the whole way home regretting my selfish justification. 

And, guess what, I still feel kind of sick about it. I completely passed up an opportunity to show my love for her as a fellow human being, and to show God my love by serving her. We cannot fear action; we must be fearless doers of good. I failed that time, but we always have the ability to keep trying. 

Wholeheartedly. Without reservation. Without hesitation.

Brené Brown, TED Speaker and author of the booming Daring Greatly, often writes and speaks about what she calls "Wholehearted Living". She writes, 

"Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It's about cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, no matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. It is going to bed at night thinking, yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn't change the truth that I am also brave." - Brené Brown, Daring Greatly

 Furthermore, wholehearted living is about being able to see that others, too, are enough. It's seeing others through the lens of worthiness. It's looking at someone and thinking, "that person is imperfect and vulnerable and maybe afraid, but he is worthy of my love and compassion," and then, having the courage to be embrace them with an open heart.

Unconditionally. We live in a society plagued with conditional love. One where the conservative despises the liberal, where the Democrat and the Republican can't hold an understanding conversation, and where we allow things like gay rights and abortions get in the way of our natural ability to love, despite political views or personal life choices. I think it's time for a group hug. I think it's time we give the homeless guy 5 bucks and a smile. I think it's time for more hugs and less judgement. Because as Phil Robertson said after the shenanigans with A&E: 

"You don't have to compromise your convictions to be compassionate."

 Listen: Nothing More by The Alternate Routes (my favorite song)

17 Goals for my 17th Year

1. Take more pictures
Document my world. I've got the knowledge and the camera for it, and I'm going to make this one heck of a year to look back on.

2. Do the dang Colorado 100
A 100 mile canoe race on the Colorado river. I have wanted to do this for seven years, and missed my opportunity each time. This year is the year.

3. Get my best sun tan yet
Yes.

4. Start College General Education to prepare for my Midwifery career
Yikes.

5. Serve
Service is a giant part of my calling as a human being. It is the focal point of who I want to become. Charity is a gift that the Lord will give me in His time, I just have to be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and ready.

6. Get my Young Womanhood Recognition
I'm so close!

7. Fill 3 journals
I never journaled much growing up, and when I did, I didn't do it right. Literally every entry was about some boy somewhere. Way to be, young Julia. Way to be. But this past year, I have filled up two journals with thoughts, ideas, updates, poetry... Looking back on them makes me so glad for the effort I put into them. Let's do it again, and do it better.

8. Be gentle with myself
I am the worst at this.

9. Become fluent in Espanol/Portugues 
I practically live in Mexico. It's about time.
P.s. I love living in almost-Mexico, por favor e buenas noches (<-- strange hybrid of both Spanish and Portuguese).

10. Kiss a boy
LOL that's actually a joke. #NoKissinTillAfterTheMission

11. Leave the States
Oi, Brasil.

12. Be anxiously engaged in my new little brother's infanthood
Can't wait for you to get here, baby James.

13. An adventure a month
Whether it be a 200 mile Philmont trek or driving 20 miles into the country to stargaze for an hour, I will adventure.

14. Climb a 5.12

15. Improve as a violinist
This previously neglected talent brings me great fulfillment aaaaand it could land me a sweet spot as an employee at Philmont next summer. BONUS: violinists have really attractive jaw lines.

16. Regard my problems as character-building challenges

17. Learn to love even more gently, unconditionally and abundantly.
:)

Childhood Dreams

Some things just don't change.

When I was six, I would spend hours on search engines, looking for a horse to buy. Owning one was my dream. I remember when I discovered that adopting a rescue horse from the Houston ASPCA would only cost me $200. That was only like, four years of chores, though, it seemed completely reasonable to me.

I still remember the day my mom finally admitted to me that the city wouldn't allow us to keep a horse on our mere one acre, and how shocking and heartbreaking the news was for me. Now I smile at my naive, little dreaming heart.

I owned three different horse encyclopedias and read them daily. I knew very well the best kinds of feed, how to dig rocks out of hooves, and the distinct differences between English and Western riding (with a burning preference for Western). Those encyclopedias are still on my bookshelf.

My favorite movie was Spirit. My favorite book was My Friend Flicka.

Maybe I loved horses so much because I identified with them. They are gentle, supportive, beautiful and empathetic; all things I wanted to be. They're also high-strung, stubborn, and slow to trust; all things I've always been. I still feel that way about myself and the animals.

I'm no good at a lot of things. Very few things come naturally to me. The one thing that has my entire life, though, is being able to see the life and emotion in animals. I've always seen them as living beings with emotions and thought processes, and I love to be around them. They can think. They can love. And I happen to love them back, a lot. Especially horses.

(And goats.)

This is my friend, Fred.

When I was nine, I took riding lessons. That year, I was chosen to ride in the Houston Livestock Show & Rodeo on a black and white horse named Panda. I was nervous, she was too, and she spooked multiple times. We came in last. I still cherish the memory.

I got in trouble multiple times at lessons for trying to get my horse to gallop, as trotting got boring. According to my instructor, I wasn't ready for it. I thought that was stupid.

One time the horse I was riding freaked out at a gate slamming closed. She went back on her hind legs and kicked, and for a minute I thought I was going to be thrown off, stepped on, and killed. I don't remember what I did, but I do remember the owner of the horse riding up to me to say, "You handled that horse really well. You're very natural with her. Good job." I was really young. I wasn't good at much. I'm still not. But I could handle horses, and I loved them with my entire little heart.

My ultimate dream was to grow up, marry someone handsome and hardworking like dad, build a cabin in the mountains together, and raise ten children and ten horses.

And, like I said, some things just don't change.

To spend my days outside with people and the most beautiful creatures on the planet. To raise sons into hardworking men who can read, argue, and shoot a gun. To watch mountain sunsets every night. That sounds alright to me. I guess I never grew up.

Maybe it's the Texan in me. I play the violin fiddle. I own riding boots. My family says grace before every meal. I can two-step like a pro. I know every cut of steak there is and how to cook it right. I love open fields. I think country music is cool. And I think the thunder-sound of hooves beating the ground is one of the most beautiful sounds in the world.

I'm going to see the world. I'll leave my heart in so many places. I am passionate about this beautiful planet and unlocking its secrets.

But I will always have a special place in my heart for my home, and my childhood dream.

#Y'ALL

*Big thank you to Simply b Photos for the lovely picture.